I haven’t written regularly in some time. Not for you, and not even for me. A fair amount of that has to do with a lack of time, which is in short supply with a full-time job, a wife and young children. But if I’m being honest, that’s just an excuse.
Some of my absence here had to do with the fact that I wondered if I’d outgrown—or had even achieved what I’d been attempting with—the site. Again, an excuse.
Another part of it was the fear of talking regularly, openly and loudly about being an ADHD–addled asshole with a tendency to struggle. I know that it’s been helpful to myself and to others. I know it has helped me grow. But I also worry that it will be harmful to the side of me who is a rather capable and ambitious employee working hard to help support a growing family. While there’s truth in this, it’s yet another excuse.
So why am I here? Why am I back?
The truth? I feel I’ve reached a point where I’m only getting better now in the ways that come easy to me.
I spent a ton of time figuring out how I can do better work, and, as one would hope, I am indeed doing better.
I’m nine years married and three kids in; I know what it takes to be a half-decent dad and half-decent husband. Every now and again I even feel like I come close to achieving these lofty goals.
But there are ways in which I’m yet to get better. Ways that I’m not even sure I’m trying all that hard. Ways that aren’t even entirely clear to me right now. More and more I worry that I’m letting what comes naturally be sufficient, rather than embracing what’s hard.
There are things in my life that I want to do that I’m not doing. Chief amongst them are writing here and writing honestly. Both for you and for me. There are things in my life that I need to do that I’m not doing. Such as the growing need to find a way to be healthy, regardless of my busy work and family life.
I want to get back to getting better. And while I continue to embrace the ways come with some measure of ease, I need to shift my focus back to the ways that don’t. And the best way that I know how to grow is to write here and to see what comes out.
I’m not unhappy. I’m not struggling as much in the ways I once did. But I’m also not striving as much as I’d like. I’m not risking as much as I’d like. I’m not writing as much as I’d like. I am however worried about what will come out as I go back to writing here, but I’m tired of making excuses not to anymore.
It’s time to get back to getting better. And while I’m not exactly sure what that will look like this time around, I hope you consider sticking with me. And perhaps even choose to join in.